Two Boys and a Baby Transcript
The following is a transcript for the episode "Two Boys and a Baby". Script wakes up Lincoln: "Ah, Sunday mornings. My homework's done, my chores are complete, and I'm looking forward to a whole day of freedom!" out of bed and starts dancing with joy. Rita: downstairs "RISE AND SHINE, KIDS! WE'RE GOING TO AUNT RUTH'S TODAY!" news causes Lincoln to stop dancing. "YAY!" Lincoln: frightened "Aunt Ruth's? Today? NOOOOOO!!! the viewers Visits to Mom's aunt are torture." montage of all the things they do at Aunt Ruth's is shown. Lincoln: "She makes us look at a million pictures of her cats." Ruth: "Here's Mittens in Egypt. We were going to visit the pyramids, but Mittens hates the heat." Mittens "Don't you, baby?" to them eating something questionable. Lincoln: "She feeds us gross food." Lori: "Ew. When was this pudding made?" Lisa: the can "Seeing as this flag on the label only has 48 stars..." to Lincoln cleaning out the cats' litter box. Lincoln: "And she always singles me out to do special chores." Ruth: "And when you're done scooping, you can start rubbing these bunions. Don't forget my extra toe!" sixth toe protrudes from her left foot. cringes in disgust. Lana: disappointed "Lucky." Lincoln: "The only Louds who get to skip out on Aunt Ruth's are Lily and Dad." pulls on one of Ruth's cats' tails. End montage. Lincoln: "Aunt Ruth doesn't trust Lily around her cats. So Dad stays home and babysits her. Lucky." an idea "Wait. Maybe I could be lucky, too!" to his parents "So, I thought this time, why don't I babysit Lily so Dad can see Aunt Ruth for a change?" Sr. coughs in shock at the thought. Lynn Sr.: "Well now son, I couldn't deprive you of your time with your aunt. And-and-and I'm not sure you're really ready to take care of Lily. Right? Right?" Lincoln: "But I've learned a ton about babysitting from Lori and Leni. Not to mention the real pros: you guys." Rita: "He's got a point, honey. And talk about a win-win. You'll get to spend the whole day with Ruthie!" Sr. drops his coffee mug in despair. ---- Rita: Lincoln Lily "Now, all you'll need to do is feed her, change her, and then put her down for a nap." Sr. and the girls await the inevitable with Ruth. Lynn Sr.: "If I have to see that extra toe, so help me..." Lori: to Lincoln "Lucky..." Lincoln: "It's not luck. It's strategy. Have a great day!" sighs and heads to the car. Lincoln closes the door and plays with Lily. Just then, Clyde contacts him as Lincoln takes out his walkie-talkie. Clyde: "Come in, Lincoln! It's Clyde. Are we hanging out today?" Lincoln: "I'd love to, buddy, but I'm babysitting Lily and you probably don't want to-" Clyde: excited "Are you kidding? I'm great with babies. I'll be right over." beat "And out. Over and out." ---- has come over and is making funny faces to Lily, which she likes. Lincoln checks the list. Lincoln: "Mom says first thing, we gotta feed her. Here, you put her in the highchair and I'll get her food." Lily to Clyde and checks the fridge. tries getting Lily into the highchair, but he ends up putting her in upside-down, gets her in backwards, and even ends up in the chair himself. Lincoln finds Lily's baby food perfectly labeled. Lily is now in her highchair. Lincoln: his literal baby sister "Open up the hangar, Lily. Here comes the airplane." knocks the spoon out of his hand. "Okay, a little turbulence." the food to Clyde Clyde: "Here. Let me try." gives him the same results. "It looks like she doesn't wanna eat." Lincoln: "She's just a baby, Clyde. We can make her eat. I mean, how hard could it be?" the kitchen is a complete mess because Lily refuses to eat anything. Clyde: "You know, I read in this book called "Food for Tot" that if you show the baby you like the food, she'll like it, too." Lincoln: "Why where you reading a baby book?" Clyde: "I was waiting to see my therapist. Her lobby has a great reading selection." Lincoln: "It's worth a try." up a jar "Mmm! Lily. Chicken and gravy. Doesn't that sound good?" and Clyde eat a spoonful of the stuff. Lincoln and Clyde: "Mmm! Yum yummy!" stop and notice a dog on the label. Clyde: "Lincoln, why is there a dog on the label?" two scream in horror realizing they were eating dog food. Lincoln throws up under the table and Clyde washes his taste buds. After that, they notice Lily actually eating now. After that experience, they wash themselves off with the hose. Lincoln: "Well, that was disgusting. But at least I'm not scooping poop at Aunt Ruth's." suddenly feels a certain bodily sensation and makes a mess in her diaper. Clyde: "Speaking of poop..." ---- and Lisa's room. Lincoln: "This shouldn't be too bad. I've seen Mom do it a million times." farts in his face "Oh, G-" faints Clyde: "Lincoln! Speak to me!" Lincoln: to "M-my whole life just flashed before my eyes!" Clyde: "Let me try. I read all about this in "Oopsie, My Baby Made a Poopsie"." in but Lily farts in his face, too; faints and comes to. "That was weird. Your life just flashed before my eyes." two put clothes pegs on their noses, but Lily kicks them off and farts in both their faces. The two run for the window and gasp for fresh air. Clyde: "It's practically radioactive!" Lincoln: an idea "Huh. Radioactive, you say?" look at Lisa's stuff and put Lily in an isolation chamber. This allows them to use gloves to change the diaper and not get farted in the face anymore. Lincoln: "It pays to have a sister whose hobby is nuclear physics." get the diaper off her, dump it in the disposal unit, put a fresh one on her and get her out of the chamber. Unfortunately, the soiled diaper comes out, too. Lincoln and Clyde: "Ew!" away from the practically radioactive padding. casts a fishing rod to pull the diaper in, but the recoil cast from the line causes the diaper to head towards the ceiling fan. Lincoln and Clyde: slow motion "NOOOOOOOOOOOO-" to the exterior of the house where the disgusting substance, off-camera, bursts open and Lincoln and Clyde are caught in the impact. They hose themselves off again. Clyde: "Well, that was disgusting." Lincoln: "True, but at least I'm not buffing bunions at Aunt Ruth's." seal off Lily and Lisa's room from the diaper disaster. Lincoln: "Let's never speak of this." yawns Clyde: "Uh-oh. I think it's somebody's nap time." Lincoln: "Not now, Clyde. We're supposed to be babysitting." realizes "Oh, you meant Lily." is being put down for a nap and Clyde reads her a bedtime story. Clyde: "And so the beautiful Princess Lori and the brave Sir Clyde lived happily ever after, while the dim-witted Sir Bobby was eaten alive by a-" Lincoln: his buddy from getting carried away. "Okay, Clyde, let's not give her nightmares." notice Lily has fallen asleep. Lincoln and Clyde: "YEA-" they have to be quiet "Yeah." softly Clyde: whispering "What should we do now?" Lincoln: "Zombie marathon?" reminds Lincoln of Lily's nap, but Lincoln busts out headphones for them to listen and block out the sound from Lily's range, which Clyde approves of. WALKING NED sight of the zombies makes the boys scream and Lily wakes up crying from her nap being disturbed. Lincoln: "It's okay, Lily. Go back to sleep." Clyde "You ever read any books about getting babies to sleep?" Clyde: "Of course! "NapQuest: The Impossible Journey"! It says babies like white noise! It reminds them of the womb!" boys turn on everything that runs water, a ton of electric fans, and all sorts of white sounds on radios, but it doesn't work. Lincoln's phone goes off and he sees who it is calling. Lincoln: "Crud! It's Mom! I can't let her hear all this!" out of the house to block out the noise and answers."Hey, Mom." Rita: "Hi, sweetie. How's everything going?" Lincoln: "Great. Smooth sailing." Rita: "Do I hear Lily crying?" Lincoln: "Oh, that. Yeah. We're just having a teeny bit of a problem getting her to nap." through the window and sees Lily screaming and tearing Clyde's hair out of his scalp. Rita: "You know what always works for me? Taking her to the park. That'll wear her out." the water that they ran pours out the window and hits Lincoln. Lincoln: "Uh, thanks for the tip, Mom! Bye!" back inside "Clyde! What happened?" massive flood bursts out the door, carrying Lily and Clyde with it. Clyde: "Sorry, Lincoln! I couldn't turn off all the faucets in time!"